Friday, November 30, 2007

[Dental Hygiene] Dentception

usage: Use before a routine checkup to fool the dentist into believing that one's teeth have been regularly brushed and flossed.

description: Dentists and dental hygienists thrive on pointing out the failure of the common patient to adequately brush -- and moreso, floss -- his teeth. These charlatans flippantly diagnose sinister conditions such as imminent root canals, debilitating gum disease, and bottomless cavities whilst the hapless patient is strapped helplessly in the chair, drool running down his chin as he anticipates the glorious vacuum stick. Dentception is employed to prevent the utterance of such dramatic judgements: thirty minutes before attending a six-month (or once-per-three-year) checkup, sorely neglected teeth should be flossed and brushed with such intense fervor, and for such a non-characteristic length of time, that calloused gums awaken to yield a steady flow of life-giving blood. Dentception provides a psychological advantage to the patient-to-be: "Surely," he can think to himself as his bloody spittle, the spoils of war, fills the basin, "I will fool them this time!" Come appointment time, this psychological edge allows him to comfortably sink into the chair and anticipate the incredulous stupor of a dental team bowled over by a mouth healthy, fresh, and blindingly bright. Suddenly, checkups visits aren't so bad anymore.

notes: Dentception does not work.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

[Communication with Co-workers] The Scripted Conversation

usage: Use when forced by proximity to engage in unwanted personal interaction with a co-worker who might have future value as a business asset, but not as a personal friend.

description: When entering or exiting one's office, it is common to find oneself forced into conversation with a frustrating, yet potentially valuable, coworker. In order to avoid stressful interpersonal engagement while maintaining a leveragable business relationship, Scripted Conversation can be employed. Person A requests a Scripted Conversation resource from person B by using a locally accepted phrase such as, "How was the weekend?" Person B approves the Scripted Conversation request by issuing a second phrase -- commonly, "They're never long enough, are they?" Scripted Conversation resource requests are denied through the divulgence of personal information (e.g., "I learned over the weekend that my dear dog Spot is dying!") Through Scripted Conversation, the need for actual communication can be almost entirely eliminated while maintaining the possibility for future business engagement.

notes: As indicated above, local vernacular will dictate accepted Scripted Conversation variants. Scripted Conversation should never consume more than 4 sentences of memory.

[Efficiency/Blame] The Scapegoat Pattern

usage: use to improve efficiency and harmony by maximizing credit for victory and reducing blame in defeat.

description: When engaging in any activities identified as high-risk, identify a subordinate and task them with some high profile element of the activity. If the activity as a whole succeeds, take credit for choosing the correct subordinate and promote the subordinate. If the activity fails, call it a "shame," fire the subordinate and make excuses about trying to give someone a chance to prove themselves, gain some "visibility", and say something about how they "really seemed like a team player."

notes: This pattern is also sometimes (dishonestly) referred to as the "delegate pattern."

Friday, October 5, 2007

[Driving/Commuting] The Cutter

The Cutter

usage: Use to cut time off of your commute when driving through heavy traffic merging past construction areas.

: When driving through construction areas where x lanes merge into x -1 lanes, commuting times can be adversely affected by following "early mergers". The Cutter pattern describes how to lower commute time by driving as long as possible in the merging lane at high speeds.

Its also important to avoid obstacles such as other cars waiting to merge by using the shoulder of the road to pass.