Friday, November 30, 2007

[Dental Hygiene] Dentception

usage: Use before a routine checkup to fool the dentist into believing that one's teeth have been regularly brushed and flossed.

description: Dentists and dental hygienists thrive on pointing out the failure of the common patient to adequately brush -- and moreso, floss -- his teeth. These charlatans flippantly diagnose sinister conditions such as imminent root canals, debilitating gum disease, and bottomless cavities whilst the hapless patient is strapped helplessly in the chair, drool running down his chin as he anticipates the glorious vacuum stick. Dentception is employed to prevent the utterance of such dramatic judgements: thirty minutes before attending a six-month (or once-per-three-year) checkup, sorely neglected teeth should be flossed and brushed with such intense fervor, and for such a non-characteristic length of time, that calloused gums awaken to yield a steady flow of life-giving blood. Dentception provides a psychological advantage to the patient-to-be: "Surely," he can think to himself as his bloody spittle, the spoils of war, fills the basin, "I will fool them this time!" Come appointment time, this psychological edge allows him to comfortably sink into the chair and anticipate the incredulous stupor of a dental team bowled over by a mouth healthy, fresh, and blindingly bright. Suddenly, checkups visits aren't so bad anymore.

notes: Dentception does not work.